Well, here we are. In a bad “B” movie playing at second-tier movie theaters. Schools closing, sports events canceled, the president using a prime time press conference to tell us to stay home if we are sick and don’t get on an airplane if we have symptoms.

So, this is how we go out? Swine flu. Perfect.

I’ve retreated to my clean room I had built during the illegal immigrant crisis in the event that dirty poor people began pouring across the border and made their way to my door. While that threat never materialized, better safe than sorry this time!

Clearly this is all a subersive plot hatched by Haliburton to obtain a no-bid contract on vaccinations of foreign citizens. Oh…wait…that doesn’t work anymore. Could it be George Bush’s fault? Anyone? No? Damn….

OH I got it! It’s God punishing the earth for electing a Muslim terrorist to the presidency and Iowa’s supreme court ruling on gay marriage. WHEW! I was afraid I couldn’t come up with a finger to point.

Bullet dodged.

Now, seriously…don’t touch me. I’m sterile.